The best things in the world...

1. Rearranging furniture.
2. Smelling the flowers. Always.
3. Midday naps with Jorgen and the cats.
4. The realization that the seasons have changed (ie - the last day of school/first day of summer, realizing that summer has gone, and fall is here). However, Spring is always a welcome season. I am not a fan of winter. :)
5. Singing as loud as possible when I'm alone.
6. Cold leftovers.
7. Nostalgia
8. Laughing so hard you embarrass yourself, or, in my case, can't breathe.
9. Lying on the beach, listening to the ocean.
10. Getting all dolled up and having nowhere to go!

Nomad

I traded in the comfort of monstrous mountains for miles and miles of empty space filled only by the awkward silhouettes of palm trees. So skinny. Smoggy. No stars, just helicopters and their searchlights circling over our apartment at all hours of the night. I miss the security of the mountains, and the way they could make me feel trapped and free all at once. Lately I've been having what, to a normal person, would be boring dreams of driving the streets of Provo and Orem, like I'm trying to map it out in my head to ensure that I don't forget what anything looks like. I miss being able to drive without thinking. I knew those streets better than I knew myself, and in Riverside I get lost after driving two blocks away from home. Although, in Riverside you can be in the best of neighborhoods one second, and cross into some scary-ass neighborhoods as if someone drew a straight line between the two. I've been getting my fill of diversity over the past few weeks. Let's be honest, there are maybe two or three African-American people in all of Orem. It's refreshing to live somewhere where you can actually have a conversation with someone who comes from such a different cultural background than you do. It's going to be incredibly strange to go back to Utah to visit. It won't be home anymore. I feel like such a nomad these days. I've never felt "at home" anywhere. Any place I've lived or visited has been very similar to the majority of people I meet - I can always find certain things I like, but never enough to call the place "home" (or in the case of people, call them "friends"). I am, and always will be, in absolute love and adoration with the Utah wilderness. The people, however, will always ruin that for me. I think the only reason Brigham Young decided to settle in that particular valley is because the geographical setting is a perfect representation for the mindset everyone there has - so completely closed off. Things... life in Utah is completely predictable, it's safe, it's comfortable. As much as I might not be enjoying life in Riverside up to this point, I appreciate the difference. It's the comfort of predictability that makes it so hard to get out of Utah. I can't express how grateful I am for being able to experience a new life, as hard as it might be. I don't feel at home here, and maybe I never will, but for now I'm happy to be living my life, and experiencing new things.

Update on life in Riverside

Moving to Riverside has been one of the most emotionally challenging things I've ever had to go through. Honestly, I never realized exactly how close I was with my family (Hamblin and Hansen) until I left them behind. I knew that Riverside would give me the chance to start over, and present myself in whatever way I might choose to without someone knowing anything about me beforehand. I've come to find that this is true - without a doubt, but that with the good, there is also bad. I'm reinventing myself. I don't want to be the same person I was in Utah. Quiet? Yeah, why not? Painfully shy? No thanks. But it seems as if now I can't even remember what I enjoy doing in my down time - things I like doing for fun. We have absolutely no money, not for gas, or small treats or perks. I'm afraid to go walking around town because we live on the edge of one of Riverside's top three gang territories. Hell, Em went walking to Starbucks a couple of days ago and was followed by some man in his mid-40's who would not stop yelling out his car window asking if she would babysit his kid. When she persistently refused, he then asked if she would be interested in being his roommate. I'm just glad the guy didn't grab her and throw her in the back of his car. Needless to say, it doesn't ease my fear of walking around town. I would dive into a good book, but I find that I can't stay focused on anything for longer than a few minutes, unless, of course, I'm staring blankly at the ceiling.

Paige from 2005 - "I hate this. I hate feeling like around every corner there's someone that I know that I might bump into. Normally, I can't talk to anyone without making it completely awkward. When I do see someone I know I feel sick. I start shaking and sweating. I keep hearing that that's all normal. If all people acted the way I do, there would be so much tension and frustration between everyone that I'm sure we'd all kill each other."

This is something that, luckily, I can easily avoid now. Oh, the pleasures of being stranded in a city where you only know a handful of people. Normally, when I see someone I know in a store, I do whatever I can to avoid them... even if it's a person I haven't seen in years and would really love to talk to.

Leaving my family behind has brought into perspective the fact that I have a really difficult time opening up to people. There are very few people that I feel completely comfortable being myself around, and even less people that I feel that I can tell anything to. Even conversations with coworkers seem so odd and superficial... or maybe superficial isn't the right word. They're just surface questions. Such minuscule details about a person that you have to dredge through for months or years before you can actually get to know them. There are maybe one or two people that I'm not related to by blood or marriage that I'm on this level with. It was around this time last year that I felt as if I was starting to form a deep connection and bond with a few individuals in Utah, but things change, and shit hit the fan (for lack of a better term), and I was left feeling like those relationships were based on lies. It takes an incredibly long time for me to be comfortable enough with someone to call them an "acquaintance", and even longer to call them my friend or be able to tell them anything personal about myself. This, however, isn't something I'm sure I want to change. I like having my own place in my head, most of the time, and I like that it's a place that it's a place that few people ever really get to break into. I'm definitely not an open book, and I like it that way. If I have something important to say, I'll say it. If not, don't try and pull anything out of me. Who knows, though. My personality is bound to change as life is drastically changing around me.

In other news, I recently went to the doctor, where they decided to put me on anti-anxiety pills, anti-depressants, and migraine preventative medication. I've been told that I should be on anti-depressants since I was a teenager, but I always assumed it was just a phase, or that it was something I could fix myself, but given the slump that I've been in for the past few years, I decided to give them a go. Hopefully the outcome will be favorable.

Honestly, the cats have gone through more personality changes than Jorgen or myself. Since we had Charlie's abscess drained (and totally spoiled/babied him for two weeks afterward) he's been a completely different cat. He sleeps in the same spot on our floor (on top of my clothes) every night, all night. He's kind of a loner - he doesn't hang out with the other cats much at all. Tank isn't a little baby anymore, neither is Jonze. They both sleep under our bed all day, wake up around 8 pm and lounge around until we go to bed, then they terrorize the house while we sleep. Dali hangs out in the kitchen - sleeping on top of the fridge most of the day.

This place definitely doesn't feel like home, but I think it'll get there. Riverside isn't exactly the kind of town I'd like to live in (especially when living in SoCal, I'd much rather be closer to the beach, but, hey, this is closer than Utah, right?) but there are small things about it that I'm beginning to admire. I appreciate the diversity here that you can't find in Utah. Also, there is a fish pond full of lily pads, small streams, dozens of fish, and fountains right outside my work. Today while running to the grocery store on an errand for my boss, a giant lizard ran across my foot. It scared me to death, but it also made my day.

A few personal notes to people who will never read them -
Mom & Dad - I love you more than I can express. You'll never know how much a five minute phone conversation with you can calm me. You've been more financially and emotionally supportive over the last month than ever before, even though I know you don't necessarily have the means to do so. I miss Ciori, Shasta, Obi, and my Mags, and I hope they remember me when I come to visit. :)
Jarret - I hope everything works out with your living situation works out, and I hope the WEDDING planning and everything is going well with Kimber.
John & Cindy - I miss you guys so much! I miss the family parties, the late nights, the laughter... everything. I miss overhearing your conversations with each other and people around you. Your constant search for new information and knowledge is infectious, and I miss that. Things aren't the same without you!
Hannah, Travis, & Ariah - I miss you guys. Really. Hannah, you are honestly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I hope you know that so many people feel that way and wish the best for you. I'm sure you are excelling in your classes in school and I'm excited to see where life takes you. Jorgen and I spent a while yesterday watching videos of Ariah, and I want nothing more than for her to remember us when we come to visit!
Chantell & Dean - I hate that we're so far away from you during such a rough time. I hope that little Johnny is able to pull through and make it, but regardless of the outcome you guys have so many people there to support you. If you ever need anything, we're just a phone call away! Give Connor a hug for me... maybe even a kiss! :) Tell him Dali says "Hi". She misses him, for sure.
Chris & Tiff - We heard things are getting rough for you guys. I hope things start looking up in the near future. I miss baby Tuesday's blue eyes! Give her a big kiss for me. I miss Myah following me around talking about her toenails and her pretty feet :). I miss playing Uno with Mav and hearing him laugh.
Bekka & Alex - You guys are getting married! Married! You're so perfect and cute together, and I'm so happy that you've found each other. I hope your student teaching is going well, Bekka. You're going to be such an awesome teacher! I wish I were as good with kids as you, but, unfortunately, I'm much too awkward for that. Ha.
Emily... Oh, Emily - What will I do without you? It sucks for you that you've been my best friend for the last three years. I should just find a friend my own age... but, let's face it - no 23 year old is as cool as you. Here's the plan, okay? Go to Utah, suck it dry, and then come back to me (or at least come somewhere that's within driving distance). You're my main man.
Scottee - I was talking with Emily while sitting in the hot tub yesterday and I realized that I probably (in all reality) won't see you many more times before you begin your life somewhere else and I continue mine (where ever that might be), so you better keep in touch with me throughout the years, and I hope we can see each other every chance we get. You're a pretty bad ass youngster, and I'm excited to see what you decide to do with your life!
Jorgen! You are the love of my life. I'm sorry you've had to put up with me being so stressed out over the last couple of months. Hopefully in the end some good will come out of it. I love you, and I'm glad you put up with me at my worst. :)

Love you all!

P

Life

"I know more than I can express in words, and the little I can express would not have been expressed, had I not known more."

Random dream

Camping. "We're going jogging", she says. She grabs her jacket and I tie my shoes. We walk out the door into the thick air, soaked in dew. She takes off ahead of me, and no matter how hard I try I cannot catch up to her. She looks over her shoulder, smiling. I can't help but smile back and play her game. She sticks her hand behind her, without turning around. I grab it and she pulls me forward. We're running right next to each other. I look over at her, gleaming, so proud to be there. Then, taking one step too many, we fall into a gap, somewhere between thoughts and ideas, underneath clouds and nebulas of brainstorming. Gray matter cover the walls around us, getting taller by the second. They reach and pull, catching clumps of our hair and ripping our clothes. As the ground nears, the smell of burning works its way up my nostrils. It crawls down my throat and I scream it back up. It's all I can taste. We hit with a soft thud and we sink into the layers of rock. I open my eyes and see her in front of me, smiling that damn smile, not a scratch on her. She holds out her hand again and I take it, leaving behind a kidney and a lung that had slipped too far down. We look up, a thin string of light is all that was left from where we'd come from. Still, we walk hand in hand in any direction. It didn't matter where we went. God knew all I want is to be with her. We walk but don't say a word. In this, our Grand canyon, walls covered in pestilence. A slow, rolling growl starts somewhere in front of us. We are face to face with a wall of water within seconds. She looks at me that split second before the water hits and I can tell that whatever light she has is going out. It hits and to our surprise we are like boulders. It phases us like a gust of wind, and out of euphoria we collapse. We lay at the bottom for days. Our walls are still crawling and the string of light is getting thinner. We come out of it and breathe our first air in six days. She slips her hand around my back and kisses me. I press my face into her shoulder. Her skin is soft and her breathing is quick and faint. We continue our journey, wading through the newly formed river. Neither of us ask how we got here, but we still wonder. Through that crack in the sky? It screams. Everything echoes. The moans of the people on the walls are deafening. Their faces make me nauseous so I try to keep my attention focused on her. Her. She was the only thing I ever really saw. Something up ahead catches my attention. The water was moving. Then I saw him, 20 times the size of any man, sitting on the rocks in a dark area. The whites of his eyes and the palms of his hands glowing. He jumps in front of us as we get closer. His eyes empty, all that's left are the remnants of a person. Bloodthirsty. He ran toward us with his arms up and his fingers twitching. I tried to step in front of her but he reached her first. He grabs her wrist and twists, bones snapping ring in my ears. I stumble toward him to push him away and my arm lands right in his mouth. I reach down inside of him and push my fingers in until they tear holes through his stomach. He bites down and two rows of razor sharp teeth sink into my shoulder. My arm dangles by the side of my body, hanging on by whatever fragments of bone are still connected. I'm disabled. He wears a tiny blade and he stabs it into her. She screams and cries and I can't do anything about it. She scrambles up onto the rocks and he runs after her. There is a scuffle and I'm sure she's going to lose until she trips him. He falls on his back and gives her enough time to start pounding on his head with nothing but her fists. She doesn't stop until his head is misshapen and disconnected from his body. She picks it up and turns around, covered in blood, her smile is back. She's forgotten about the water, the crack in the sky. The rocks are wet. This skull is hard for her to carry. She slips. I run for her but the water won't let me. She snaps her head on the ground and the head twenty times the size of her own comes crashing down. It splits her open. Her face goes blank. Her body lies there, twitching. Blood is everywhere, it turns this river red. We're burning in the same fire, but now she's dead.

To Patches:

...And I'm brought back to these same thoughts. I'm sorry, Patches. You were, without a doubt, the most under-appreciated cat we've ever had. You were beautiful, and we always commented on how your face should be on bags of cat food. I didn't expect this to happen, and I'm telling myself that I took you to get spayed with nothing but good intentions... but, in reality, it's those "what if" questions that are getting to me. When Mick died, I felt at fault because I was supposed to get up early that morning, but decided to sleep in. If I had gotten up, I would have found Mick and brought him in to lay with Jorgen (like I did every morning), but instead I decided to sleep in. With you, I knew there was something wrong from the moment I picked you up from the vet's office. Your eyes were glazed over and vacant. You looked more depressed than I've ever seen a cat look, and I should have known something was wrong and taken you right back in and asked them to take another look at you. I feel sick knowing that one little moment could have changed everything. One day, that one little moment will be mine. It's a sick reminder of how thin the line between life and death is. I don't believe in an afterlife, but I do believe that there's a chance that your consciousness will be around for a few hours after your death, and though I'm sure you're not reading this post, Patches, I know that we never needed words in order to communicate, and I want you to know how much I loved you. I had moments with you that made me feel connected to you in ways that I can't describe. This shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry that you can't be here anymore. I'll miss you so much.

"You shall be my roots and
I will be your shade,
though the sun burns my leaves.

You shall quench my thirst and
I will feed you fruit,
though time takes my seed.

And when I'm lost and can tell nothing of this earth
you will give me hope.

And my voice you will always hear.
And my hand you will always have.

For I will shelter you.
And I will comfort you.
And even when we are nothing left,
not even in death,
I will remember you."