Update on life in Riverside

Moving to Riverside has been one of the most emotionally challenging things I've ever had to go through. Honestly, I never realized exactly how close I was with my family (Hamblin and Hansen) until I left them behind. I knew that Riverside would give me the chance to start over, and present myself in whatever way I might choose to without someone knowing anything about me beforehand. I've come to find that this is true - without a doubt, but that with the good, there is also bad. I'm reinventing myself. I don't want to be the same person I was in Utah. Quiet? Yeah, why not? Painfully shy? No thanks. But it seems as if now I can't even remember what I enjoy doing in my down time - things I like doing for fun. We have absolutely no money, not for gas, or small treats or perks. I'm afraid to go walking around town because we live on the edge of one of Riverside's top three gang territories. Hell, Em went walking to Starbucks a couple of days ago and was followed by some man in his mid-40's who would not stop yelling out his car window asking if she would babysit his kid. When she persistently refused, he then asked if she would be interested in being his roommate. I'm just glad the guy didn't grab her and throw her in the back of his car. Needless to say, it doesn't ease my fear of walking around town. I would dive into a good book, but I find that I can't stay focused on anything for longer than a few minutes, unless, of course, I'm staring blankly at the ceiling.

Paige from 2005 - "I hate this. I hate feeling like around every corner there's someone that I know that I might bump into. Normally, I can't talk to anyone without making it completely awkward. When I do see someone I know I feel sick. I start shaking and sweating. I keep hearing that that's all normal. If all people acted the way I do, there would be so much tension and frustration between everyone that I'm sure we'd all kill each other."

This is something that, luckily, I can easily avoid now. Oh, the pleasures of being stranded in a city where you only know a handful of people. Normally, when I see someone I know in a store, I do whatever I can to avoid them... even if it's a person I haven't seen in years and would really love to talk to.

Leaving my family behind has brought into perspective the fact that I have a really difficult time opening up to people. There are very few people that I feel completely comfortable being myself around, and even less people that I feel that I can tell anything to. Even conversations with coworkers seem so odd and superficial... or maybe superficial isn't the right word. They're just surface questions. Such minuscule details about a person that you have to dredge through for months or years before you can actually get to know them. There are maybe one or two people that I'm not related to by blood or marriage that I'm on this level with. It was around this time last year that I felt as if I was starting to form a deep connection and bond with a few individuals in Utah, but things change, and shit hit the fan (for lack of a better term), and I was left feeling like those relationships were based on lies. It takes an incredibly long time for me to be comfortable enough with someone to call them an "acquaintance", and even longer to call them my friend or be able to tell them anything personal about myself. This, however, isn't something I'm sure I want to change. I like having my own place in my head, most of the time, and I like that it's a place that it's a place that few people ever really get to break into. I'm definitely not an open book, and I like it that way. If I have something important to say, I'll say it. If not, don't try and pull anything out of me. Who knows, though. My personality is bound to change as life is drastically changing around me.

In other news, I recently went to the doctor, where they decided to put me on anti-anxiety pills, anti-depressants, and migraine preventative medication. I've been told that I should be on anti-depressants since I was a teenager, but I always assumed it was just a phase, or that it was something I could fix myself, but given the slump that I've been in for the past few years, I decided to give them a go. Hopefully the outcome will be favorable.

Honestly, the cats have gone through more personality changes than Jorgen or myself. Since we had Charlie's abscess drained (and totally spoiled/babied him for two weeks afterward) he's been a completely different cat. He sleeps in the same spot on our floor (on top of my clothes) every night, all night. He's kind of a loner - he doesn't hang out with the other cats much at all. Tank isn't a little baby anymore, neither is Jonze. They both sleep under our bed all day, wake up around 8 pm and lounge around until we go to bed, then they terrorize the house while we sleep. Dali hangs out in the kitchen - sleeping on top of the fridge most of the day.

This place definitely doesn't feel like home, but I think it'll get there. Riverside isn't exactly the kind of town I'd like to live in (especially when living in SoCal, I'd much rather be closer to the beach, but, hey, this is closer than Utah, right?) but there are small things about it that I'm beginning to admire. I appreciate the diversity here that you can't find in Utah. Also, there is a fish pond full of lily pads, small streams, dozens of fish, and fountains right outside my work. Today while running to the grocery store on an errand for my boss, a giant lizard ran across my foot. It scared me to death, but it also made my day.

A few personal notes to people who will never read them -
Mom & Dad - I love you more than I can express. You'll never know how much a five minute phone conversation with you can calm me. You've been more financially and emotionally supportive over the last month than ever before, even though I know you don't necessarily have the means to do so. I miss Ciori, Shasta, Obi, and my Mags, and I hope they remember me when I come to visit. :)
Jarret - I hope everything works out with your living situation works out, and I hope the WEDDING planning and everything is going well with Kimber.
John & Cindy - I miss you guys so much! I miss the family parties, the late nights, the laughter... everything. I miss overhearing your conversations with each other and people around you. Your constant search for new information and knowledge is infectious, and I miss that. Things aren't the same without you!
Hannah, Travis, & Ariah - I miss you guys. Really. Hannah, you are honestly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I hope you know that so many people feel that way and wish the best for you. I'm sure you are excelling in your classes in school and I'm excited to see where life takes you. Jorgen and I spent a while yesterday watching videos of Ariah, and I want nothing more than for her to remember us when we come to visit!
Chantell & Dean - I hate that we're so far away from you during such a rough time. I hope that little Johnny is able to pull through and make it, but regardless of the outcome you guys have so many people there to support you. If you ever need anything, we're just a phone call away! Give Connor a hug for me... maybe even a kiss! :) Tell him Dali says "Hi". She misses him, for sure.
Chris & Tiff - We heard things are getting rough for you guys. I hope things start looking up in the near future. I miss baby Tuesday's blue eyes! Give her a big kiss for me. I miss Myah following me around talking about her toenails and her pretty feet :). I miss playing Uno with Mav and hearing him laugh.
Bekka & Alex - You guys are getting married! Married! You're so perfect and cute together, and I'm so happy that you've found each other. I hope your student teaching is going well, Bekka. You're going to be such an awesome teacher! I wish I were as good with kids as you, but, unfortunately, I'm much too awkward for that. Ha.
Emily... Oh, Emily - What will I do without you? It sucks for you that you've been my best friend for the last three years. I should just find a friend my own age... but, let's face it - no 23 year old is as cool as you. Here's the plan, okay? Go to Utah, suck it dry, and then come back to me (or at least come somewhere that's within driving distance). You're my main man.
Scottee - I was talking with Emily while sitting in the hot tub yesterday and I realized that I probably (in all reality) won't see you many more times before you begin your life somewhere else and I continue mine (where ever that might be), so you better keep in touch with me throughout the years, and I hope we can see each other every chance we get. You're a pretty bad ass youngster, and I'm excited to see what you decide to do with your life!
Jorgen! You are the love of my life. I'm sorry you've had to put up with me being so stressed out over the last couple of months. Hopefully in the end some good will come out of it. I love you, and I'm glad you put up with me at my worst. :)

Love you all!

P