Every now and then it's fun to scan the pages of my old journal and re-read some of those entries. I've had the same journal since 2004. I was 15 then, and it's SO ODD to see how much has changed and how much I've gone through from then to now. There are, however, a few completely mortifying situations that I always manage to remind myself of. They're always new situations that I didn't pick up on during any of my previous trips down memory lane, and they all happen to be situations that I didn't know were mortifying at the time (or maybe I was just denying it due to my lack of self-confidence and my desperate attempts to gain any confidence at all!)
I felt like sharing one particularly terrible situation. Ugh, when I think about it I get that feeling - like you want to look away, but it already happened and you know you can't do anything about it, yet you feel like crying and comforting your young, teenage self. If you've seen Never Been Kissed, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
So, here it is - From November 17th 2005 (I remember sitting in the movie theater writing this). I was waiting to see the newest Harry Potter movie as it was being released at midnight that night. Naturally, as any midnight movie-goer knows, you have to get to the theater preeeeettty early if you want to get good seats in the theater, so once it hit 8:30 or 9 pm I was getting a little bored out of my mind. At this point in my life I was dealing with a half break up from my first relationship - by half break up I mean that the person I was dating had cheated on me, begged for forgiveness, being young and naive I took him back, and about a week later he decided that he wasn't really sure if he liked me and he needed "time" to think about things. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was also, most likely, the most awkward looking teenager you had ever seen. I hadn't really found my niche in the world yet, and I hadn't grown into my face. Anyway, back to the story - I decided to wander around the mall (Provo Towne Center). I walked in and out of stores and kept noticing this boy, right around my age, following me around. Piercings, tattoos, loads of make up on (yep, everything I was attracted to when I was younger). After a few minutes I made my way to the food court, sat myself down by a TV that was playing "The Grinch" and made myself comfortable. I looked over and noticed this boy, again, sitting there with his group of friends, but he was staring directly at me. Completely randomly, one of the mall janitors passing by me walked up to me, grabbed my hand and started shaking it, and started talking to me in Spanish. I began laughing hysterically (and nervously) because I had no idea what was going on. After the janitor walked away I looked back to where the boy had been sitting, and he was gone. My heart sank a little, but it was no big deal. I turned my focus back toward The Grinch and tried to relax. Just then I noticed the boy... he was standing by the food counter and he was pointing at me. Now I knew I hadn't been imagining things; he was actually looking at me the whole time. He walked over and sat at my table and started talking to me. He introduced himself - his name was Sean. He admitted that he was a little drunk, but he told me that had he not been, he wouldn't have had the courage to come over and talk to me. He asked me, "What do you do?" I replied with, "...I dont know?" and he said, "Well, you must do something other than just sit there and be cute all day." Back then, no one approached me. No one complimented me - not randomly, not like that. He sat and talked to me for a bit, and at the end of the conversation I felt pretty good about myself. It wasn't until he walked back over to his friends and I could see them laughing and mocking me as I was walking away that I started feeling like maybe something was off.
A few days later I found out that this boy and I shared mutual friends, and through myspace I was able to find his profile. Excitedly, I wanted to send him a message and see if maybe he wanted to hang out - maybe it was the opportunity I'd been waiting for to get out of the terrible relationship I'd been wrapped up in for too long. But then I scrolled down and saw the comments on his page... some of them from the day after I'd met him at the mall. All I can say is this - I don't know how some people can be so terribly cruel about a person they don't know. His friends were saying terrible things about (what I can only assume, and had VERY good reason to assume) was me. Things along the lines of how he almost "hooked up" with an ugly dog that night, etc., etc.. To which his response was something like, "I know, thank god it didn't go any farther!"
NO ONE can possibly understand how terrible it is to grow up being the social outcast, especially when you're a girl. I'll never understand why people say such incredibly harsh things, and I'll never understand why we can't seem to grow and learn from the horrible things that we say and do. This boy has no idea how damaging that was to me - he probably wouldn't even remember the situation if I told him word for word exactly what it says in my journal. Bottom line - your actions ALWAYS have much bigger consequences than you could ever imagine. The horrible thing is that I have more stories than I can count that are so similar to this one. Whether this is to serve as a reminder to myself, or maybe to anyone who might stumble across this post and read it through to the end - just, please be kind to everyone. Nothing bad can come from that. Let people be who they want to be, and accept them for who they are. You wouldn't think that would be such a hard task, and yet it is for so many.
