Saul Williams

I had no eyes. But language dictated that I saw. I was all eyes just as I was all else. Surrounded by a darkness that held the unmuted intensity of every color in its shadow. We were one and millions.
My name. Somebody was calling my name. I saw no one. Then I realized that that which I was hearing as my name wasn't, but was the sound of unmuted colors gathered in the wind, swirling against time. The sound of bright resonant darkness. The sound of orphan shadows rejoicing in the light. And that was my name. It was all of our names. And I, too, joined in the calling.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm the same girl I was when I was 5..
...12...
...16...

all strung together by one common thread...
Nevermind.


Cracked foundation?
Or my bangs?


The tide can carry me far into the ocean. Three quarters of the way between the coast of California and Japan. I can sink miles down until I drown and hit the bottom. My body will be nothing but a sack that I'm uncomfortably trapped in.

Tma/Svetlo/Tma

I'm supposed to be doing homework, but on my way home I found that I couldn't stop thinking, and I loved the direction my thoughts took as they spiraled out of control. For now, all I want to do is write.
I was listening to Boards of Canada's The Campfire Headphase in the car. It's an album that has definitely influenced my thoughts on music, and how music should be. I started mentally listing the albums that have influenced me the most, and in what specific way they've influenced me. Anytime I think about this there's one band that always pops into my head first...Godspeed You Black Emperor. Their albums (more particularly Lift Your Skinny Fists, but all of them are wonderful) have such an amazing effect on me. I used to listen to them all day when I worked at Phone Directories, and when I took my headphones off I felt out of place, almost uncomfortable, like I'd thought I was somewhere else the entire time. I was in a trance. There aren't many people who can really handle listening to them due to impatience, afterall the songs are 15 minutes long on average. The music swells and builds up to a powerful climax, and after it's over my chest feels heavy and full. I don't really know what to say. It's amazing.
Two nights ago when I was on my way home (moments away from Jorgen's house) I saw a cat get hit by a car. I barely made it home, and the second I walked in the door I started bawling. I received a hug, but was basically told to suck it up. "Cats get hit by cars, it happens." Way to make it worse...
I remember driving down an icy backroad in the middle of last winter, as I crept along the slick road I suddenly saw three cats sitting in front of me, who didn't budge as my car got closer and closer. I slammed on my breaks and twisted the wheel. I ended up hitting a giant pile of snow instead of the cats, and I realized I'd probably prefer to get a bump on my head rather than run over any animals.
And once, almost in the exact same spot on that road, I had to stop for a cat that was in the road. It walked up next to my car, so I rolled my window down to try and shoo it away. I leaned over to the passenger seat of my car to grab something and when I looked up, the cat was gone. I poked my head out the window, and there it was, right by my door, crouching down and getting ready to spring up into my car. I had to open my door to get it to run away.
For some reason that reminds me of something that happened just a couple of weeks ago that was probably one of the most amazing things that's ever happened to me while driving. I was going down a road that's pretty close to Geneva Road. The nice thing about the roads down there is that you can turn a corner and suddenly be surrounded by fields filled with cows, horses, and tractors. Unfortunately, this particular road I was driving down is about to be ruined. Right now, you can coast down it and be surrounded by fields on both sides, but in a couple of years they'll be torn apart. A private school is being built on one side, and the other is being turned into a housing subdivision. It was about 4 p.m., and I was heading to give my mom a ride home from work. I glanced over my right shoulder and noticed a bunch of birds flying next to my window. As they flew, my eyes darted around and I realized that the entire flock of birds was flying with my car. There were birds on every side of me. It only lasted for a couple of seconds, but after it was over I was left smiling like an idiot and replaying it in my head. It was wonderful.

I love this memory.

Collected Thoughts

Colorful Ambien dreams for a couple of apples who have to ruin the batch.


A regular tidal flood bogs down in a sea of mud.

I need catharsis.
I can pull the tragedy from anything, and the comedy from that.

Ankles barely crossing.


A certain curve of lips and a particularly expressive set of eyes.


Resonate



I'm a junkie of canned coffee from Taiwan.
Do you believe in ghosts?
I hate everything anymore.
It shouldn't consume a morning or an afternoon.








Stop trying to remember everything before it slips from my mind.

The Dead Flag Blues by GY!BE

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead on top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upward
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful...
These truly are the last days."

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood

"I want to break out -- to leave this cycle of infection and death. I want to be so taken in love: so taken that you and I, and death, and life, will be gathered inseparable, into the radiance of what we would become..."

Kekule

Kekule dreams the great serpent is holding its own tail in its mouth, the dreaming serpent which surrounds the world. But the meanness, the cynicism with which this dream is to be used. The serpent that announces, "The World is a closed thing, cyclical, resonant, eternally-re-turning," is to be into a system whose only aim is to violate the Cycle. Taking and not giving back, demanding that "productivity" and "earnings" keep on increasing with time, the System removing from the rest of the World these vast quantities of energy to keep own tiny desperate fraction showing a profit: and not only most of humanity -- most of the World, animal, vegetable, and mineral, is laid to waste in the process. The System may or may not understand that it's only buying time. And that time is an artificial resource to begin with, of no value to anyone or anything but the System, which sooner or later must crash to its death, when its addiction to energy has become more than the rest of the World can supply, dragging with it innocent souls all along the chain of life.

Casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

None of this can actually be happening. If it makes you more comfortable, you could simply think of it as metaphor. Religions are, by definition, metaphors, after all: God is a dream, a hope, a woman, an ironist, a father, a city, a house of many rooms, a watchmaker who left his prize chronometer in the desert, someone who loves you — even, perhaps, against all evidence, a celestial being whose only interest is to make sure your football team, army, business, or marriage thrives, prospers, and triumphs over all opposition.

Work, Work, Work...

This morning I woke up with burning eyes, and a thin crust around their edges that I couldn't rub out. I felt sick. Like if I moved too much or thought about food it would incapacitate me for the rest of the day. But I got up, showered, came to work, sat at this desk and put in the 8 hours of monotony that seems to be required daily, or at least I tell myself it's required so I won't stand up on my desk and throw a monitor at someone like the guy in that video. Although I spend a surprising amount of time on the internet, which is not allowed. Maybe I'm hoping they'll catch me and decide to fire me so I won't have to quit. But then I'd be screwed for the Radiohead trip this summer...I guess it's kind of exhilarating when I get in trouble for something. I like being angry at my boss, or someone else in my department. When she says things like, "next time I see your phone out, I'll take it away until the end of the day" it makes me laugh. It gets me thinking, and snaps me out of the zombie-like state I'm usually in when I'm here. I'm sure Jorgen doesn't like hearing me rant about my distaste for business (wo)men, or how they're all just looking for someone to be better than. As long as they're not on the lowest rung of society's ladder, and they have a nice house and nice car, life is perfect. I don't see how getting a promotion should stimulate self esteem. Sometimes I look at the people here who've had affairs with other people at work, and learning who's pregnant with so and so's baby, or the people who have tried to sleep with their boss to get a promotion and it's almost like watching some show on HBO that's not engaging at all. Thank god for the worker bees? No. There is no god. But you know WHAT there IS? A horrible taste in the back of my mouth. My stomach is bubbling, and those bubbles are popping and crawling up my throat. Acid. Gross. I skipped breakfast today because I felt sick, and I have nothing to eat here. Maybe I can live off of fingernails and chapstick until the end of the day. If that doesn't work there's always plan B...

Dream 04.24.08

I'm in a small apartment that feels more like a prison than anything else. There's a giant window with old, dusty curtains by the door and I'm pacing in front of it. Things outside are bad. I feel panicked. I feel like something horrible is about to happen. There's a knock on the door - or not really a knock but a small, furious tapping. I nervously step to the side of the door...open it. Something flies in and hits the wall on the other side of the room.
It's a bomb.
I don't have time to run. I know that. So I duck behind a large piece of furniture. I realize that this is probably the end, but a fraction of a second is not enough time for me to actually grasp the fact that i am really going to die. Right now. This is it.
It goes off, and everything goes bright.
...But I come to, my eyes adjust and slowly the room comes back into focus. There's a loud ringing in my ears, and my first thought is the question of whether or not I'm really alive. My body feels extremely heavy, like it would if I'd had too much wine to drink. Then I start to get hot, my blood feels like it's on fire, feels like a head rush, and I start to feel pain in every single part of my body. I put my hand up to my nose and there's blood gushing out of it, dripping off my chin. I look down and my clothes are now a wet crimson colour.
The room is filled with smoke, I can barely breathe. Bits of concrete from the ceiling and walls are covering the floor.
I can't move. I can't speak or call out for help. Even if I could I'm sure no one would come find me.
So I lay there alone and wait to die.