Grrr...

As a teenager I condemned any and all anti-depressants. I don't think I really understood my depression/panic disorder/social anxiety issues until we moved to Riverside. Although, I'm not really sure how one thinks it's always normal to feel ill when they run into one of their best friends that they haven't seen in ages, or how having an irregular heartbeat and feeling a constant "flutter" in their chest throws them into instant panic attacks and dream-like states that sometimes last for days. Moving to Riverside threw me into a completely different reality, one where my hopelessness hit a sort of "rock bottom" (which is the only way I can think to describe it). I went to see a doctor, he ran a few tests, asked a few questions, and told me that he wanted to start me on anti-depressants for social anxiety. For the past three months it's been strange to notice my personality change ever so slightly. I'm still shy, but I don't really care as much now. I've accepted it as a trait of mine... I'm not over-the-top happy, but it's easier to be optimistic about the little things. That was, until a couple of weeks ago. I've had a couple of days recently where I wake up feeling like someone just punched a hole through my chest. The kind of feeling only heartbreak can bring. If I'm at home, I spend all day crying, or, if I'm forced to be in public (like at work), I tend to act/feel like a drone until I get in the car to come home and then all hell breaks loose. Never in my life have I felt so suicidal and completely hopeless. There really are no words to describe it, all I can say is that it's really the worst feeling I've ever felt. After coming home and sleeping a good twelve hours I'll wake up the next day in a haze, feeling like I spent the day before in the back of my mind watching everything play out from somewhere far away. Like I REALLY wasn't the one living my life that day. I really feel like I'm splitting in two. My options are A) Stick with the pills and see if these side effects go away on their own, or B) wean myself off of said pills. Option B worries me. Mostly because I don't want to feel anything like I did before, and aside from these terrible days I've had, the other days have been much better. Conflicted. Who knows. Also, these delusions I've had for years... whatever they're called - "delusions of parasitosis" are definitely getting worse. Maybe I'm just slowly slipping into madness. Who knows. I've decided that regardless of everything that's been going on, I need to be okay with doing more things by myself. I, quite literally, do nothing in my spare time. I sleep, make dinner, mess around on the internet, or watch movies/tv. I was one who always believed that if you weren't okay with yourself, by yourself, that things wouldn't work out for you in your life, and I still believe that. Everyone needs to learn to be okay with being alone. End of story. Anyway, enough rambling. I'm not sure I'm even completely here mentally anyway. Love.