Nomad

I traded in the comfort of monstrous mountains for miles and miles of empty space filled only by the awkward silhouettes of palm trees. So skinny. Smoggy. No stars, just helicopters and their searchlights circling over our apartment at all hours of the night. I miss the security of the mountains, and the way they could make me feel trapped and free all at once. Lately I've been having what, to a normal person, would be boring dreams of driving the streets of Provo and Orem, like I'm trying to map it out in my head to ensure that I don't forget what anything looks like. I miss being able to drive without thinking. I knew those streets better than I knew myself, and in Riverside I get lost after driving two blocks away from home. Although, in Riverside you can be in the best of neighborhoods one second, and cross into some scary-ass neighborhoods as if someone drew a straight line between the two. I've been getting my fill of diversity over the past few weeks. Let's be honest, there are maybe two or three African-American people in all of Orem. It's refreshing to live somewhere where you can actually have a conversation with someone who comes from such a different cultural background than you do. It's going to be incredibly strange to go back to Utah to visit. It won't be home anymore. I feel like such a nomad these days. I've never felt "at home" anywhere. Any place I've lived or visited has been very similar to the majority of people I meet - I can always find certain things I like, but never enough to call the place "home" (or in the case of people, call them "friends"). I am, and always will be, in absolute love and adoration with the Utah wilderness. The people, however, will always ruin that for me. I think the only reason Brigham Young decided to settle in that particular valley is because the geographical setting is a perfect representation for the mindset everyone there has - so completely closed off. Things... life in Utah is completely predictable, it's safe, it's comfortable. As much as I might not be enjoying life in Riverside up to this point, I appreciate the difference. It's the comfort of predictability that makes it so hard to get out of Utah. I can't express how grateful I am for being able to experience a new life, as hard as it might be. I don't feel at home here, and maybe I never will, but for now I'm happy to be living my life, and experiencing new things.